so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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