I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.