Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.