Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
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Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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