your parents love me but you hate me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
FUCK WHALES
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