one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
