Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
