My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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