dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
