birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
