How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
