The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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