the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
of course. lets lasso hookers.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
