Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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