I think my vagina is haunted
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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