I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
