im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
