What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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