Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
