Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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