How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
