I can text with my tongue
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
