went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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