whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
