I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
