Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
