God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
