at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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