Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
