Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
