i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
