I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
