and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
