i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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