so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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