note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
