i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
