It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
