glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
