Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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