Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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