I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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