Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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