can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't deserve a penis
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's shark week go big or go home
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
