remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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