Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
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yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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