you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
