These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
