He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
