I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?