Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
