there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
