He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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