LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
