Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Still dying that you shit outside
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
