You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
