we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
